Resistance is a Doorway
We’ve all come to points in life that leave us thinking, “I don’t want to deal with this right now,” or, “I can’t go through this.” It means we’ve been brought to the edge of ourselves. It could be a heavy situation that’s put us there, the sickness of a loved one perhaps. Or it may be something less intense but trying nonetheless, like the daily annoyance of whining kids.
Whatever the case, when we face something we don’t want we push back. We resist. It might be that we impulsively take control of the situation, only pausing to ask questions about what’s actually needed much later. Anger and hostility might surface too, along with harsh judgments of people and the rationalizing of our strong feelings. Or it might be that we repress our feelings altogether through avoidance or procrastination.
Our fight-or-flight responses will vary but they all serve the same purpose. They’re a kind of pressure relief valve for when we’ve been triggered. It’s all quite natural and is the stuff that makes us human. So there’s nothing to be ashamed of here. I tell myself this every time I yell at my kids.
And yet there’s more to it all than that. If we give in to our reflexive reactions and then assume we can get on with life because the emotional pressure has been relieved, we run the risk of being trapped by our resistance. There’s little doubt that whatever has triggered us will trigger us again. That “someone” is going to bang on the door of our happy little home once more, along with their partners anger, sadness and grief.
But if we’re willing to see resistance as pointing us to a growth edge and not just the psychic pain of experiencing what we don’t want, then we’ve begun to reframe it and make it work for us. The banging on our door might not be the intolerable situation we’ve made it out to be. It’s hard and uncomfortable, yes, but whoever is there might have a message we need to hear. We just have to open the door and listen to what they have to say.
“Resistance tells us something. Resistance has a message.”
The main approach here is to slow yourself down and take notice of what’s going on inside you, so that you can respond from a deeper place within – your intuitive, wise, and compassionate center. This is the place where “more of who you are” can meet whatever it is that you’re facing and a path forward can emerge.
Step 1 | Notice what’s happening
Part of the reason resistance can be so tenacious is that our response to whatever it is that triggers us has become habitual and therefore invisible to us. We don’t notice just how wound up we get or withdrawn we’ve become because we’ve normalized our reactions through justification and projection.
I want my kids to be quiet in the morning. That’s my preference. But it never happens, so while they bicker at each other over the toys, I yell at them, “Why are you guys so loud?!?” or “Morning time is quiet time!!!” Then I go through the list in my head of why this is such an injustice and fantasize about a time when it will all go away. When they’re teenagers? This repeats daily.
There’s a narrative I’ve internalized about this situation based on my expectations and hopes, guaranteeing the cycle of resistance holds steady. It has to do with what I tell myself about the behavior of the ideal child and the right I have to a contemplative morning. And when experience doesn’t meet expectations, the triggering occurs.
But I’m unaware that I’m being triggered because I’ve grown accustomed to the morning routine, so accustomed that I don’t notice the irony in my yelling at them to be quiet. Simply noticing when the trigger’s been pulled is the first step in slowing us down and moving us toward a more spiritually mature response.
So start paying attention to the ways in which resistance shows up in life (below), and when you do simply say, “I’m probably dealing with some resistance here.”
Harsh criticisms and judgment.
Anger, hostility, resentment.
Discouragement, boredom.
Avoidance, withdrawal, procrastination.
Intensified need to control a person or situation.
Justifications for extreme feelings.
Step 2 | Acknowledge there’s more to see
It’s important to understand the ego’s role here. Its job is to process reality and make judgements and decisions to promote our survival. It does this by organizing our thoughts and feelings based on what it perceives to be safe, normal and okay. When we say, “I want this,” or “I don’t want that,” the “I” is usually the ego. And whatever doesn’t quite add up to stability or happiness, it pushes away.
This fear-reflex helps us to get around in the world but it has its limitations. Perception doesn’t always mean reality and surviving doesn't necessarily mean thriving. In other words, we can’t always trust what we think we see. But we can make a choice to widen the ego’s field of vision by asking ourselves:
Why is it that I’ve come to believe that this person or situation is this way?
Or that they should be that way?
What’s the most gracious perspective that I can take of this person or this situation?
Why should things be the way I want?
How do I know what I really need?
We can be gentle with ourselves here. No need for self-criticism. Simply acknowledge that there’s more to see. This allows the person to be as they already are, or the situation to be what it already is not what we want it to be. If it’s a noisy morning yet again, I might tell myself, “Yes, it’s loud but kids are loud. Why shouldn’t they be? It’s in their nature. They feel safe enough to fully express themselves, which is good. I tell them they can do hard things all the time. Well, I can get through this too.”
“As I allow the other to be different than my expectations, and thus more herself, than I too allow myself to be different than my ‘ideal self’ and thus more transparent to her. As this unfolds, more of myself and the other is revealed. ”
This gets us past our hang up because perception is no longer filtered through internalized expectations and ideals. It makes room for growth. By saying “yes” to the person or situation, we’re also saying “yes” to ourselves. We’re saying, in effect, “There is more to me than this fear I’m controlled by, just as there is more to this person than I can see.” You might even be able to say, “I cannot change this person or situation.”
It’s a courageous move indeed because we’ve made the choice not to identify with fear but vulnerability.
Keep in mind that saying “yes” here doesn’t mean some mending isn’t in order. It’s simply an acknowledgement of the state of things. We’re now open to the possibility that they have a message for us, not the other way around. And we can respond in a way that’s aligned with more of who we are. We can do this because we’re no longer fighting for a balance in life that’s illusory, we’re in a deeper place with firmer ground.
Step 3 | Reflect on what’s below the surface
When we’ve come to a point where we can sit with ourselves feeling the discomfort we feel, without needing to push it away or resolve it immediately, we’ve loosened resistance’s grip. We’re no longer reactive which keeps the door shut. Instead, we’ve made the choice to open it and listen to the message.
This itself may lead us to feeling lighter emotionally. It’s a burden to hold onto fear. It’s a burden to live behind defensive walls. The paradox here is that standing in our vulnerability has given us the strength to be more of ourselves. Now we can ask questions that probe the roots of our resistance, questions we’ve been unable to ask before:
What does this tell me about what I’m valuing that requires me to hold on so strong?
Why am I holding on?
What am I afraid of?
What will I lose if I let go? What will I gain?
These questions center on “holding on” and “letting go” because this is the basic dynamic at work in resistance. It’s the source of the angst we feel. We fear letting go because it means we’ll lose something of ourselves. It could be a dream or vision we have. It could be a wound we’re still protecting.
For instance, I may fear all the noise in the morning because it makes me feel out of control, which I don’t want to feel. I may also fear my inability to tactfully manage the bickering, which brings up feelings of parental inadequacy. I don’t want to face this either. This naturally leads to the question as to why. What is this telling me about my need for control and my sensitivity about how I parent?
Also, I want to feel calm and believe I can’t find any when things around me are loud. Why are those two things connected in my mind? What about “loud” feels unsafe? When else in my life have I felt this way? Could it be that I’ve made the kids out to be a terror but they’re really just bringing up things I need to consider in order to grow.
The gift in resistance is that the deeply held assumptions and expectations we have about life swirling around our subconscious are brought to the surface. We’ve just been unaware of how controlling they’ve been. So what happens when we open the door is that a mirror is held up to us. We see ourselves in a way we haven’t seen before. This is the message.
Because we’re standing in the doorway with courage and vulnerability, we won’t take the bait and condemn ourselves. If we did, we’d just shut the door once again and lock it shut, hoping it won’t bang again anytime soon. Instead, we can meet what we see with grace, open to the possibility of change and the unknown.
Step 4 | Respond in time with grace
Getting clarity on what we’re holding on to doesn’t mean that there is an obvious way forward or that we should attempt to make one on our own. It’s simply an invitation to sit with reality as it is. We’ve done our best to let go of fear, the need to “fix,” blaming others for “the problem,” and the shame we might carry with us for the way we’ve responded to it. Our part now is to listen to what's happening in us and be attuned to what we hear.
With the kids, I may not have answers to exactly what I’m fearing or exactly why I have this need for control. I just know that there’s something beyond the fear, beyond the need for control, that I should pay attention to. I now know those things have limited me. I’ve been trapped by them. And I’m aware that the energy required to hold up those walls has exhausted me and colored my perspective on my kids and myself.
“I used to have more judgment on the things around me and then I had the boys and they’ve taught me really how to let go of judgment of myself and others and, you know, you’re not gonna make everyone happy. ”
So there’s more to know, but standing where I am, I don’t need to know exactly what “the more” is. It’s enough to be present to the questions and to believe that I don’t need to drive to a resolution. The mirror shows me that I’m unfinished work and it doesn’t scare me. This is the gift of pure awareness.
Now we’re encountering the grace dimension of this work. The ego’s defensive walls have softened up and we can make contact with the creative and courageous energy of our True Self. This is our Divine center and our assisting source of unconditional love, healing and wisdom. Whatever freedom I experience to take a step beyond the doorway is its gift to me.
I can accept this gift because I’m open to a change in me that I cannot make on my own. This is what growth looks like.
When I step through the doorway of resistance, it means I am:
Not responding to a neurotic fear.
Open to change and the unknown.
Not tying myself to any specific outcome.
Accepting that the categories of “normal” or “okay” or “fitting in” limit my vision of life.
Allowing others to teach me what I cannot teach myself.
Not giving up hope for resolution, but admitting that there is a path to it I cannot see on my own.
Understanding that dying to a dream might bring me closer to who I truly am.
But not everything we resist, we need to accept. There is such a thing as healthy fear, particularly in toxic or abusive relationships. If we stand our ground it’s because we’ve come to a certain clarity about who we are. We have confidence in our boundaries. We know they support a healthy sense of self and well-being. And we can respond in a nonviolent way that leads to reconciliation because we are in contact with our True Self. This, too, is a courageous choice to grow.
Making a choice to hold on or to let go is not easy. It's a fantasy to expect perfect clarity in life because rarely are important matters black and white. The spiritual path winds through shades of gray. So, it’s okay to feel torn. You can feel hurt and yet want to forgive. You can feel fearful of what’s ahead and still go forward. We work our faith out “with fear and trembling,” as the New Testament says, because wherever the ego is there will always be a certain amount of trepidation.
But while there is a drive to self-preservation, there is a greater drive still within – the drive to wholeness. Beyond the doorway of resistance may be the realization of our deepest desire. There are parts of us that we deny are true and others that we are not in touch with at all. There are emotional wounds we’ve covered up and trauma we’ve not yet processed. There are spiritual realities about our oneness with God and others that we’ve no time to explore or are skeptical of. Our True Self knows something about this and can point the way ahead if we learn to pay attention.
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